Thursday, August 20, 2009

TOP 10 SHAMEFUL MOMENTS IN THE HISTORY OF KATY


Seeing college sports promos (football players, cheerleaders, etc.) got me thinking about a mildly shameful part of my past (this will make more sense further down in this post). Then I got to thinking about how there's no better place to air out my own shameful past then on my own blog.

So, I present to you the...

TOP 10 SHAMEFUL MOMENTS IN THE HISTORY OF KATY

Disrespecting a substitute teacher with an insult that didn't even make sense. In 5th grade, whispering (too loudly) to a classmate that our substitute was (and I quote), "so fat you could make a few hamburger patties out of her." (Why do elementary and middle schoolers say weird stuff that they think will make them cool? I wish I knew.) I was caught, almost paddled and went home crazy embarrassed. Imagine explaining that to your mother.

Causing $2,000/worth of damage to my car and another while backing out of a parking space. On a dark, Christmas Eve night, I thought I was pulling out of a straight parking spot when it was instead angled. I pulled the wheel and pulled my front bumper off as it slid down the side of the car next to me. And worse yet, the car next to me belonged to my younger brother. Doh! 

Turning a pizza into a mountainous terrain. You know, a lot of things seem like a good idea after a late night out on the college town. The night called for a frozen pizza. I told friends I would take care of cooking the pie. Not being able to find a flat cookie sheet, I pulled out a muffin tin and sat the frozen pizza on top. I didn't realize that as the pizza cooked, it would dip into the muffin crevices. As you would guess, I was seriously ridiculed by the aforementioned friends. Well, it tasted the same...

Officially eating four pounds of turkey, dressing, hot corn and other Thanksgiving fixins. My old office holds an annual Thanksgiving feast. I'm talking about more food than you've ever seen. Another Thanksgiving tradition is an eating contest. Not being one who's shy to a challenge, I agreed to eat as much as possible between the hours of noon and 4pm. I ate four pounds worth of food. I didn't win. I felt like I was going to die. 

Dressing as a stuffed animal, for a whole school year. Okay, "a whole school year" might be an exaggeration, but I did dress as the Eufaula High School tiger for a year's worth of football and basketball games. I talked myself into trying out because I had several friends who cheered (and I was not so much coordinated to cheer). Man did I feel stupid, sweaty and lame in that smelly costume. At least I got to be quasi-cool by being semi-associated with cheerleaders.

Fierce.

Ratting myself out to coworkers re: my true feelings about another coworker. At one of my previous jobs, I worked regularly with someone who had a difficult personality. One of my outside mentors suggested I buy a particular book to learn to deal with said difficult personality. Well, this bright gal forgot to take the book out of her car when driving three colleagues out to lunch. One colleague had to move my How to Work for an Idiot book off the floorboard to make room for her feet. I can't even remember what bad excuse I made for owning that book. 

Being cheaper than cheapness should really legally allow. If you're reading this blog (or my other blog), you know that I love a good deal. I'm especially obsessed with good deals when it comes to clothing (I'd guess a fifth of my closet came from Goodwill). Well, while working one of my college jobs, I excused myself to go to the restroom. What do I see in the trash? A perfectly nice white skirt from The GAP with a small spot on it. What does any sane person do? Leave it there. What did I do? Put it in a plastic bag, took it home and washed it. Viola. Now I have a cute white skirt. And it was free! (Houston, I have a problem.)

6th grade. All of it. See photo exhibits A and B. No further evidence needed.

Exhibit A (and that's with my top stuffed with toilet paper. Sad, right?)

Exhibit B (click to enlarge).

Saying "hi" to people I don't really know. A few months into dating Dan (and after a few cocktails at Twisted Taco), I see an Indian guy across the street and think, "oh, I know him!" So I yell (yes, YELL), "Hey! Rishi!" When he gives me a confused look in return, I think,  "Uh-oh... I don't really know that guy in real life — I've just seen him in a lot of photos on Facebook." I mumble something about mistaking him for someone else, which I'm sure didn't go over very well considering I called him by his correct name. Oh, and did I mentioned I probably embarrassed my date?

Writing pseudo-porn for 3rd grade English class. So, Mrs. Johnson gave us a writing assignment: write about PE class. Well, write I did... a semi-racy account of the jogging trail (i.e. a course we had to run/jog during physical education class). I believe the exact words that got me in trouble (and resulted in a subsequent letter home to my parents) were, "I could feel the cold sweat running down my breasts." Well, it was true!


I know I'm not alone. What shamefulness lurks in your history?

12 comments:

Mb said...

This is so funny. Thank you for sharing. I'm inspired to do a post like this in the future.

Kb_Mal said...

Glad you likey. :)

LiLu said...

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

LiLu said...

Okay now that I'm done crying... that hamburger patties thing KILLED me. I am SO using that!!!

Mego said...

muhaahahah

Kb_Mal said...

So glad others can bask in my shamefulness.

moeko said...

i love this post. the pictures from 6th grade were the best. when i come across pictures of myself from elementary school i am totally ashamed of what i wore. i'm not talking about name brands or anything. but just the coordination of my own outfits was appalling (neon shirts, shorts hiked up to my chest, etc).
although i also think it's sad when i see 4th graders walking around now with coach purses.

paulbeck said...

i'm pretty sure this post just slaughtered any doubt in my mind that you are awesome.

annabeck said...

alan and i just spent a good amount of time laughing at this. job well done.

Kb_Mal said...

Moeko, PLEASE find some middle school photos of yourself. Please.

Anna and Paul, glad I could entertain the fam, too.

James Wiersma said...

Nothing wrong with eating 4 lbs. of food. Welcome to the 4 lb-food club....i've been a member since 1978.

AJ said...

I'd of laughed harder if i wasn't at work! The hamburger patties and the english writing assignment was ROTFL funny! Love it!